The view from my chair.

I had to clean my desk the other day. One, it was a complete mess, and no, I didn't think to take before pictures. And two, I had to make it nice and pretty for the new member of the family.

Do you see it? Here's a closer look.

That's my new iPad. It will do about 95% of what I need a computer for(maybe a 100% if I can find/buy the right app), so we sold my old computer and monitor. That way we aren't out very much. After a year on the Dave plan(becoming debt free) we both decided we wanted a toy(bribe). He got a cover for his truck bed. I think mine is a much better toy. I have really enjoyed being portable, I had a desktop before and wanted to use the computer in the living room like DH does with his laptop. His is a computer technician, so it is weird being the one with the new tech toy. First time since I've known him, but it just isn't powerful enough to be his only computer. And he couldn't justify having a laptop, ipod touch and an ipad. Maybe when we're rich. There are some things that don't work to well on it. Frames don't really work so Google reader is a pain and the app I have doesn't jump out to the web page like I want. Still looking for a better app. Blogger doesn't seem to work either. Debating on whether to change to a different blog host or find an app to work with it. So, posting this from Techpriest's computer while he is at work. If anyone has any questions let me know, I love to talk about it! I think I might have to start calling it the Guide, for the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

Picture on the wall is my oldest cousin on the left, my grandmother, and me(youngest grandchild). Fairy watercolor is from a swap on craftster. I bought the frame and mat, but have to cut the mat myself, hopefully this weekend. Yarn Harlot calendar. To the right of the iPad is our engagement photo. On the very left is a votive candle holder. In front of that in the middle is a pegasus laying down with folded wings that I made using the lost wax method. To either side is a rocket and pony. Buddha brought them to me.

Did anyone get that? Just two? You guys need to start watching more science fiction.
Thought I would post pictures of my pretty desk while it is still pretty. Pics left to right: friends kids that I'm like an aunt to(though I really need to go see them more often), Uncle Mike, Aunt Diane and I at a cave in Branson(no one else wanted to go), Dad, Mom, DH and I at the car museum in Branson, a dried flower with fairy from a swap on Craftster, me and my brother at his wedding. Crocheted dragon from craftster, unopened geode, fossil fish, salt rock from Hutchinson salt museum, fossil.
Brother's wedding, nephew, dragon egg(craftster), other nephew, piece of art from craftster.

Moss made me famous!

Hey guys! Just a quick note to let you guys know I was featured at athoughtfullife on her Friday Feature. She is spotlighting all different kinds of moss items from etsy, so my handspun moss yarn was picked. All the items are wonderful, you should take a look. It is quite an ego boost to be picked for something like this by someone who doesn't know me at all.

P.S. I want a terrarium! With a little mushroom or gnome!

The Status is NOT Quo

I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my headache. and I hate whatever god gave me this fucking thing. I hate my doctors and right now I most especially hate my nutritionist. Nothing any of them has ever done has done any good for longer than a couple of months. Why do I even try? Why do I waste my money, my time or my energy? Why do I get my hopes up every time? It just makes me more depressed. And when I cry my headache gets worse. Really, why do I even fucking bother? And take away my comfort food and it makes it even worse. Why can't I have a damn cappuccino if it helps me make it through the day? Oh, that's right, because I thought I would try something new. The Status Quo may not be good, but it is a hell of a lot better than this. I've been on this detox program of the nutritionist's for 17 days now, only 4 more to go. It hasn't done anything except make me more depressed. I haven't even lost any weight, which is supposed to be a side effect. And I really think I've been quite good about it. I've tried, I've really tried. So why isn't it working? No matter what I do it is never enough. Seems like I'm always busy but I never get anything done. I can never catch up with the housework and I never seem to have time to do my craft projects either. I dislike cooking too, so I never want to fix supper, but feel guilty when I don't. Why can't I feel better? Why can't it be easier? Why do I and my loved ones have to deal with this? And why do I have to feel so guilty about making them deal with this? Life is crap and anyone who says different hasn't dealt with chronic pain. Every time I try something new it doesn't work and I end up here, feeling depressed and worthless. I manage to keep a fairly even keel most of the time. Occasionally I get depressed, but I can count on hitting bottom when I try something new. And I don't like telling anybody. I don't want them to worry and I don't want to be more of a burden. Barry might have an idea but I don't think anyone really knows. I broke down in front of the psychologist that was evaluating me for disability. I guess if it was going to be only one person best that it was him, huh? I didn't mean too, but it happened. Nobody has seen me hit my own head before. Different pain, you know? No, not most of you. Or does that make me completely weird? So frustrated at that point too. I just want my headache to go away but nothing seems to really help. So why should I try anymore? Is all this just because I'm sick and tired of my diet? I've been wanting to post about this diet for awhile now, it has finally just exploded out of me. For 17 days I've eaten better than I ever have in my life. And nothing has changed. Not my headache, not my energy level and not my weight. I lost weight on the Curves diet. And no, I didn't exercise much, but when my diet has changed this radically it should have had some effect. The last 17 days has just been a complete and utter waste. And I want them back. Called the nutritionist and she said I should stick it out because some people have a change at the end. And to eat more citrus fruits since my adrenal gland must need supported more since I'm craving chocolate. I think I'm craving chocolate because I haven't had it for so long. It isn't like I ate horribly bad before. The worst was the cappuccino a day habit I had. Hardly ever any red meat, lots of veggies and fruits. I want to go out to eat again. I want my life back, not the life before my headache, that's just a dream now, no, I'll settle for the status quo.

Update: Right after I finished writing this yesterday afternoon Barry called to ask me something. I couldn't keep from crying so he came home early, he managed to get me back to about normal. I still want real food, but I'm not depressed anymore. He made me supper and we rented a movie. Lots of reassurance too. I debated about posting this, but I'm hoping other headache/chronic pain suffers will be helped by it. Sorry about the cussing, but I'm leaving them in just to show how frustrated I was. I hope showing my low point doesn't scare anybody off.