Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Status is NOT Quo

I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my headache. and I hate whatever god gave me this fucking thing. I hate my doctors and right now I most especially hate my nutritionist. Nothing any of them has ever done has done any good for longer than a couple of months. Why do I even try? Why do I waste my money, my time or my energy? Why do I get my hopes up every time? It just makes me more depressed. And when I cry my headache gets worse. Really, why do I even fucking bother? And take away my comfort food and it makes it even worse. Why can't I have a damn cappuccino if it helps me make it through the day? Oh, that's right, because I thought I would try something new. The Status Quo may not be good, but it is a hell of a lot better than this. I've been on this detox program of the nutritionist's for 17 days now, only 4 more to go. It hasn't done anything except make me more depressed. I haven't even lost any weight, which is supposed to be a side effect. And I really think I've been quite good about it. I've tried, I've really tried. So why isn't it working? No matter what I do it is never enough. Seems like I'm always busy but I never get anything done. I can never catch up with the housework and I never seem to have time to do my craft projects either. I dislike cooking too, so I never want to fix supper, but feel guilty when I don't. Why can't I feel better? Why can't it be easier? Why do I and my loved ones have to deal with this? And why do I have to feel so guilty about making them deal with this? Life is crap and anyone who says different hasn't dealt with chronic pain. Every time I try something new it doesn't work and I end up here, feeling depressed and worthless. I manage to keep a fairly even keel most of the time. Occasionally I get depressed, but I can count on hitting bottom when I try something new. And I don't like telling anybody. I don't want them to worry and I don't want to be more of a burden. Barry might have an idea but I don't think anyone really knows. I broke down in front of the psychologist that was evaluating me for disability. I guess if it was going to be only one person best that it was him, huh? I didn't mean too, but it happened. Nobody has seen me hit my own head before. Different pain, you know? No, not most of you. Or does that make me completely weird? So frustrated at that point too. I just want my headache to go away but nothing seems to really help. So why should I try anymore? Is all this just because I'm sick and tired of my diet? I've been wanting to post about this diet for awhile now, it has finally just exploded out of me. For 17 days I've eaten better than I ever have in my life. And nothing has changed. Not my headache, not my energy level and not my weight. I lost weight on the Curves diet. And no, I didn't exercise much, but when my diet has changed this radically it should have had some effect. The last 17 days has just been a complete and utter waste. And I want them back. Called the nutritionist and she said I should stick it out because some people have a change at the end. And to eat more citrus fruits since my adrenal gland must need supported more since I'm craving chocolate. I think I'm craving chocolate because I haven't had it for so long. It isn't like I ate horribly bad before. The worst was the cappuccino a day habit I had. Hardly ever any red meat, lots of veggies and fruits. I want to go out to eat again. I want my life back, not the life before my headache, that's just a dream now, no, I'll settle for the status quo.

Update: Right after I finished writing this yesterday afternoon Barry called to ask me something. I couldn't keep from crying so he came home early, he managed to get me back to about normal. I still want real food, but I'm not depressed anymore. He made me supper and we rented a movie. Lots of reassurance too. I debated about posting this, but I'm hoping other headache/chronic pain suffers will be helped by it. Sorry about the cussing, but I'm leaving them in just to show how frustrated I was. I hope showing my low point doesn't scare anybody off.

12 comments:

Julie said...

Doesn't scare me off; I've been there. I suffered chronic jaw pain and severe headaches for 4 years before having jaw surgery. That alleviated the jaw pain, but I still suffer from migraines. They are no longer every day, thankfully. I'll be sending you lots of healing thoughts. Take care of yourself.

Karla Savard said...

Big Hugs. Glad you are doing so much better. I am glad that you have Barry! I'm still looking for that "works every time" magic wand on ebay!!

Faren said...

Thanks guys, always good for me to remember I have people in my corner. Whether their great friends or people I haven't met!

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

Had migraines for years, then got Hemicrania continua. Not. fun. If food isn't a trigger for you, then it isn't. And I never had any luck when they tell you it might help later. If it's not workin' now, it probably won't!!

I tried everything for my non-stop headache just to find out all the usual stuff doesn't work for it, so no wonder nothing worked! Hoping you find the magic combination for your head, I ended up with an experimental occipital stimulator that actually helps.

Faren said...

I know corn is a trigger, but after this diet I think it is only high concentrations. I've been corn free for 2 weeks and the pain hasn't gone below a 5. So I'm not going to worry about hidden corn anymore. That will make things a little easier. I'm going to finish off the diet since I only have till Sunday, any longer though and I don't think I could!

I'm off to look up a occipital stimulator, glad it helps you.

Kit said...

I can't give any advice but I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. It's so frustrating and there's so much you can't do because of it. I hope the trigger is found soon. ::hugs::

The Saved Quarter said...

I'm sorry to hear that you've been having such a hard time, but how sweet of Barry to come home to comfort you.

Hopefully you're able to find something that really works for you soon.

Faren said...

Thanks Kit and Saved Quarter, I really appreciate the hugs and good thoughts. I've had a much better outlook since then.

Dana said...

Okay, this is going to sound nuts (or not), but have you ever been checked for Lyme's Disease? The reason I ask is because and friend of mine had different levels of chronic pain for about a year until someone finally figured out that she had Lyme's.

Now, sweet Faren, breathe deeply and know that you are loved. I wish that there was something meaningful I could do about your pain.

Faren said...

Thanks so much Dana. Things have gotten much better. I'm pretty sure I was checked for Lyme disease a few months after the headache started. I had been to Colorado not long before so they thought maybe I had picked something up there.

ConsciouslyFrugal said...

Dude, feel free to kick me in the face, but have you ever read "Feeling Good" by David Burns? Totally changed my life. Good ol' cognitive therapy stuff that has saved me when I go into ITALLSUCKSFUCKITWHYDOIBOTHER death spirals. Seriously.

But, yeah. I have issues with chronic pain and women's health issues myself, although I try to pretend it's all dandy. The simple cognitive therapy exercises in that book totally changed my life and make it so much easier for me to cope. Hence, pushing it on you!

Anonymous said...

It is useful to try everything in practice anyway and I like that here it's always possible to find something new. :)