Update: Right after I finished writing this yesterday afternoon Barry called to ask me something. I couldn't keep from crying so he came home early, he managed to get me back to about normal. I still want real food, but I'm not depressed anymore. He made me supper and we rented a movie. Lots of reassurance too. I debated about posting this, but I'm hoping other headache/chronic pain suffers will be helped by it. Sorry about the cussing, but I'm leaving them in just to show how frustrated I was. I hope showing my low point doesn't scare anybody off.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Status is NOT Quo
I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my headache. and I hate whatever god gave me this fucking thing. I hate my doctors and right now I most especially hate my nutritionist. Nothing any of them has ever done has done any good for longer than a couple of months. Why do I even try? Why do I waste my money, my time or my energy? Why do I get my hopes up every time? It just makes me more depressed. And when I cry my headache gets worse. Really, why do I even fucking bother? And take away my comfort food and it makes it even worse. Why can't I have a damn cappuccino if it helps me make it through the day? Oh, that's right, because I thought I would try something new. The Status Quo may not be good, but it is a hell of a lot better than this. I've been on this detox program of the nutritionist's for 17 days now, only 4 more to go. It hasn't done anything except make me more depressed. I haven't even lost any weight, which is supposed to be a side effect. And I really think I've been quite good about it. I've tried, I've really tried. So why isn't it working? No matter what I do it is never enough. Seems like I'm always busy but I never get anything done. I can never catch up with the housework and I never seem to have time to do my craft projects either. I dislike cooking too, so I never want to fix supper, but feel guilty when I don't. Why can't I feel better? Why can't it be easier? Why do I and my loved ones have to deal with this? And why do I have to feel so guilty about making them deal with this? Life is crap and anyone who says different hasn't dealt with chronic pain. Every time I try something new it doesn't work and I end up here, feeling depressed and worthless. I manage to keep a fairly even keel most of the time. Occasionally I get depressed, but I can count on hitting bottom when I try something new. And I don't like telling anybody. I don't want them to worry and I don't want to be more of a burden. Barry might have an idea but I don't think anyone really knows. I broke down in front of the psychologist that was evaluating me for disability. I guess if it was going to be only one person best that it was him, huh? I didn't mean too, but it happened. Nobody has seen me hit my own head before. Different pain, you know? No, not most of you. Or does that make me completely weird? So frustrated at that point too. I just want my headache to go away but nothing seems to really help. So why should I try anymore? Is all this just because I'm sick and tired of my diet? I've been wanting to post about this diet for awhile now, it has finally just exploded out of me. For 17 days I've eaten better than I ever have in my life. And nothing has changed. Not my headache, not my energy level and not my weight. I lost weight on the Curves diet. And no, I didn't exercise much, but when my diet has changed this radically it should have had some effect. The last 17 days has just been a complete and utter waste. And I want them back. Called the nutritionist and she said I should stick it out because some people have a change at the end. And to eat more citrus fruits since my adrenal gland must need supported more since I'm craving chocolate. I think I'm craving chocolate because I haven't had it for so long. It isn't like I ate horribly bad before. The worst was the cappuccino a day habit I had. Hardly ever any red meat, lots of veggies and fruits. I want to go out to eat again. I want my life back, not the life before my headache, that's just a dream now, no, I'll settle for the status quo.